Saturday, December 31, 2005

we drank a toast to innocence we drank a toast to time

And a white trash Christmas was had by all... brrrrrrrr.

If you've never heard it, the 12 STD's of Christmas is rather interesting..
(In England they're called STI's, hence the difference in the title.)

I had rather disturbing conversation with a co-worker this morning when she informed me
that Iraqi men were "good looking," and that Saddam was "very handsome."
Sorry, they're not exactly my cup of Assam Mumri tea, if you know what I mean.

Today as I was driving to work, there was a woman driving a Hoveround UP THE HIGHWAY. I opened my window and yelled,
"Damn it, lady! You can't drive that on the hi---heeey! What a fab idea!!!"
It might be a tad chilly, but tomorrow I'm driving my Hoveround to work.
Hell, it's only 7 miles and it might prove to be a great way to
meet cops.

Since I didn’t do a “thankful” column in November, I’ll do my “grateful” list as the year draws to a close. Most of Oprah’s ideas drive me bonkers,
but she did have a good idea when she suggested you write down five things that you are grateful for each day, and I’m starting on my fourth year of doing this in 2006.
When I think I’m fighting the losing battle, I read through my old gratitude journals to remind myself that I have much more good in my life than I realize.

As 2005 comes to an end, I am grateful for:
Mr. G and the offspring. I’d be a basket case without them. Ok, I'm a basketcase with them, but I'd be MORE of a basket case without them.
My web pimp, Mike South, who pulls my ass out of the computer related fire more often than not. I bow to your (computer only) expertise…
I am EVER so grateful for my HOVEROUND!! She’s one sweet little ride and oh how that comfy seat hugs my butt cheeks.
I am grateful for hot cops everywhere. Hell, I’m even grateful for the ugly ones.
I am totally grateful for my laptop!!! YAY!!!
I am thankful for all the people who skim my site daily and I’m grateful for Google, cuz that’s usually how they find it.
I am grateful for all my “old” online pals--you know who you are-- and for the new ones I met this year.
I am grateful that Alex is always on the lookout for interesting cop links for me, and Zal is on the lookout for
interesting links that make me say, "Oooo, that's really...OWIE!".
God bless those half naked cop calendars and big black thrusting dudes. I mean God Bless Alex and Zal. 
I am thankful for my menstrual cycle. Long may she work properly.
I am grateful for my creativity--or lack thereof. I'm never sure which is correct.
I am grateful for my site!! YIPPEE!!

I can't believe it. I'm watching Lifetime and they conducted a poll. 58% of the women polled said
they'd rather take an all day shopping spree than spend a romantic evening with the man of their dreams.
WHAAA?? Are those chicks smoking crack or what?! You can go shopping any old time, but a romantic
evening with your dream guy is a once in a lifetime thing.

Don't ever go to a discount tattoo parlor. I thought it would be majorly cool to have"Goddess of the Universe" written up
the length of my arm starting at my wrist. I wanted it written in a scrolly script font. The dumbshit tattoo dude didn't do a pattern beforehand, because
he said he "knew what he was doing." Oh yeah he knew what he was doing. That's why I am now the proud owner of a "Goddess of the Uni" tattoo. Dumb fuck.
He said, "Well I can always continue across your shoulders and the back of your neck." Yeah, that'll look so....RIDICULOUS. Grrrrr..............
Then he tried this route. He said, "It'll keep people guessing. They'll wonder what you're the Goddess of."
I said, "Yeah, Goddess of the Unicorns or Goddess of the Unimarts, take your pick, asswipe."

MSN has a bunch of articles on pregnancy today, one of which was "Gearing up for a Baby, Must Haves..."
They mentioned things like clothing, car seats, diapers, blah blah. Ok now let's talk about what you REALLY need when
you welcome a new baby into the family. First of all, drugs and lots of 'em. For you, not the baby. Secondly alcohol and
lots of it. And I don't mean rubbing alcohol. You'll need the alcohol to chase down the pills.
Thirdly, you'll need car seats in Grandma and Grandpap's car. Pretty much self explanatory.
Did I mention drugs?
Next, you'll need ear plugs to block out the crying.....that your S.O.'s doing when you make him take the 2 a.m. feeding.
Oh, and NEVER BREASTFEED. Otherwise, you'll get stuck with the feedings every time. This sets a BAD precedent.
Next thing ya know, they'll be expecting you to change the diapers every time, too.
Last up, load up on toys. Again for yourself. He'll be so exhausted from the early morning feedings, you'll need to take care of yourself. Wink, wink.

Tomorrow on FX, COPS MARATHON!!! Whoo hooo! What a great way to ring in the New Year.

Happy New Year!!


Friday, December 30, 2005

then He smiled at me pa rum pa pa pum

Eric sends this;):
Nazareth Carpenter Being Held On Charges Involving Underage Mother

Bethlehem, Roman-occupied Judea – Authorities were today alerted by a
concerned citizen who noticed a family living in a barn. Upon arrival,
Family Protective Services personnel, accompanied by police, took into
protective care an infant child named Jesus, who had been wrapped in
strips of cloth and placed in a feeding trough by his 14-year old
mother, Mary of Nazareth.

During the confrontation, a man identified as Joseph, also of Nazareth,
attempted to stop the social workers. Joseph, aided by several local
shepherds and some unidentified foreigners, tried to forestall efforts
to take the child, but was restrained by the police.

Also being held for questioning are three foreigners who claim to be
wise men from an eastern country. The INS and Homeland Security
officials are seeking information about these, who may be in the country
illegally. A source with the INS states that they had no passports, but
were in possession of gold and other possibly illegal substances. They
resisted arrest, saying that they had been warned by God to avoid
officials in Jerusalem and to return quickly to their own country. The
chemical substances in their possession will be tested.

The owner of the barn is also being held for questioning. The manager of
the Bethlehem Inn faces possible revocation of his license for violating
health and safety regulations by allowing people to stay in the stable.
Civil authorities are also investigating the zoning violations involved
in maintaining livestock in a commercially-zoned district.

The location of the minor child will not be released, and the prospect
for a quick resolution to this case is doubtful. Asked about when Jesus
would be returned to his mother, a Child Protective Service spokesperson
said, "The father is middle-aged and the mother definitely underage. We
are checking with officials in Nazareth to determine what their legal
relationship is.

Joseph has admitted taking Mary from her home in Nazareth because of a
census requirement. However, because she was obviously pregnant when
they left, investigators are looking into other reasons for their

Joseph is being held without bond on charges of molestation, kidnapping,
child endangerment, and statutory rape.
Mary was taken to the Bethlehem General Hospital where she is being
examined by doctors. Charges may also be filed against her for
endangerment. She will also undergo psychiatric evaluation because of
her claim that she is a virgin and that the child is from God.
The director of the psychiatric wing said, "I don't profess to have the
right to tell people what to believe, but when their beliefs adversely
affect the safety and well-being of others – in this case her child
– we must consider her a danger to others. The unidentified drugs at
the scene didn't help her case, but I'm confidant that with the proper
therapy regimen we can get her back on her feet."

A spokesperson for the governor's office said, "Who knows what was going
through their heads? But regardless, their treatment of the child was
inexcusable, and the involvement of these others frightening. There is
much we don't know about this case, but for the sake of the child and
the public, you can be assured that we will pursue this matter to the

they say i'm nasty but i dont give a damn

I spent a good bit of Thursday driving from one end of the trailer to the other.
God bless the person who invented the Hoveround.

I think it's time for me to resurrect Goddess' Book Club. Read "Why Men Love Bitches" and
we'll meet back here in a week to discuss it.

Ok, I'm totally stuck on the song "Pon De Replay (Hey Mr. DJ) by Rihanna.
Not that it's any sort of a deep song, but like "Hollaback Girl" it's got that great driving beat to it.
Actually the lyrics to Hollaback Girl border on the ridiculous at times--especially the banana part--but the beat is addictive.
AND I'm stuck on Hey Ya from Outkast all over again. And Don't Cha. Poor Holly had to watch me dance to that several times yesterday.

I was watching some tv with Mr. G last night and while flipping channels I came across an Everybody Loves Raymond from the
first season. Deborah told Ray that she was turned on by him and by how he took care of her and the family, and they started kissing and making out.
Lordy, how THAT show did a complete 360. By the end of the show Deborah was a complete bitch and a screaming shrew, who was always turning down sex.
I resent shows that portray wives like that. There are SOME married women who actually ENJOY SEX. I should know.
Some of us even like PORN. (GASP!!)
It just annoys me that wives are always portrayed in a negative way. Of course by the end of that series, Raymond was totally whipped by his mommy.
It was downright creepy the way he pandered to her.

Mr. G gave me a glass of wine the other night before bed and it wasn't long until I remembered why I rarely drink. Besides the falling asleep within fifteen minutes thing.
I woke up around 4 am and was wide awake. While alchohol initially makes you tired, when it wears off you're wide awake with a vengence.

I saw some of Being Bobby Brown's Christmas show. Damn.
It's sad how far gone Whitney is. They showed some of her younger (healthier) pictures.
Her daughter is thinning out and she's becoming prettier as she ages, but Whitney looks like an old crackhe---well, I won't say it.
Let's put it this way, if she can afford the expensive drugs, as she says, she needs to start buying them then.

I discovered something very interesting today. Guys do not like it when you use their tools for things other than "tooling."
My friend C.P. picked up a few tools he left behind when he tightened something on my furnace a few days ago. I thought I had cleaned his screwdriver throughly,
but apparently there was speck of dirt on the bit. He showed it to me and said, "Why does my screwdriver bit have dirt on it?" I said,
"I used it to dig a hole outside." He looked at me like I just admitted to bludgeoning my parents to death.
Then he repeated what I said like five times and each time his voice got louder, and each time he emphasized different words.
"You used MY good RECHARGABLE, CORDLESS screwdriver to DIG a hole?!"
I said, "Yeah, it was cool you should have seen it! It went right into the frozen ground. And I would have used the Phillips head but you didn't have one."
Ummm, apparently that wasn't a good thing.
I'm not even going to tell him I used the claw part of his hammer
to fill more dirt back into the hole....

Last night I sat down and decided to work on my novel. I wrote about three lines and
thought, "Ya know, I've never played solataire on this new laptop. I wonder if it's different than the
game on the desktop?" Thus began my long, slow journey to Procrastinationville....

As many times as I've tried to convince myself that my senses are every bit as sharp as my Lab's, she proves me wrong.
Just now she was sound asleep on the bed with me and all of a sudden, she jumped up, looked out the window and started barking. I'm
like, "Holly, there's nothing there. See?" And as I lifted the blind further I saw the water meter dude walking out of the yard. Yesterday she
did the same thing, and I said to Mr. G, "What could she be barking at? There's nothing there." He said, "Yes, there is.
There was a yellow Lab on the front porch just now." She gets me every time.

I see Brokeback Mountain, the new film about two gay cowboys is getting a lot of notice. Goddess is NOT ready for gay cowboys!!
There are some romantic fantasies that are taboo in my mind--gay cowboys being one of them.
This is going to sound strange, but It's not the sex between guys that bothers me so much as the romance.
In other words, I'd be creeped out to watch them kiss but have no problem watching them get it on.
Actually I LIKE watching them getting it on. Just like a lot of men enjoy seeing two women, I
enjoy seeing two men, and I'm sure I'm not the only woman who does.

I was reading an article on Yahoo about Canada lifting the ban on swinger's clubs.
I gotta admit Gangbang Tuesdays holds a hell of a lot more appeal to me than TGI Fridays.
But why is it that when they show swingers on tv or in articles, they're always rather...well, plain to be polite?

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

fight the feeling leave it alone

I finally found time to watch "Recipe for a Perfect Christmas" starring Christine Baranski and Bobby Cannavale. While I really enjoyed the movie--hey I gave it four and a half Christmas ornaments out of a possible five--I have a hard time buying Cannavale in a romantic relationship with a woman. I like the guy and I liked him on Third Watch--wasn't WILD about him like a lot of people were--but he strikes me as being sort of...kind of...a tad....what's the word I'm looking for? Oh, yeah, GAY. (Nooot that there's anything wrong with that.) Consequently, I have a hard time believing his romantic interest in a woman and it kinda ruined the movie for me, but it was a good movie. It had a cute premise, that reminded me of a romance novel plot. A newly appointed restaurant critic was up against a writing deadline and her mother came to visit. Cannavale played a restaurant owner, who was in desperate need to publicity for his rapidly failing business. The critic said she would visit the restaurant IF Cannavale took her mother out and kept her busy. Natch, she was in love with him herself and became jealous.

I got a night of O.T. last night and when I came to work, Overtime Hog said, "Will *the girl I was filling in for* be here the rest of the week?"
I said, "As far as I know, yes."
She said, "Well, if she can't make it in, you just stay home, and I'll take her other two nights. You spend time with your daughter
while she's home."
You have NO IDEA how this pissed me off. I said, "My daughter left yesterday, when I was here working so you could have the day off."
Two of the four days my daughter WAS home, I had to work for this idiot so she could spend time with HER family,
and NOW she's going to act like she's doing ME some grand favor? I don't freaking think so.
It was a very quiet evening and very easy money, as my boss wasn't feeling so well and she basically
kept to herself, and left me to my own devices. And when I say "devices," I mean my laptop, thank you very much.
She's feeling much better this morning, thank goodness. I knew as soon as she told me her symptoms that her blood sugar was too high.
She took it and it was 247. It's usually in the 120 range.
The funny thing was when she said to me, "I have no idea what could have made it so high."
I said, "Well, it's probably been going up over the course of a couple days, but what did you have to eat today?"
She's like, "Spaghetti, jello, pears, some animal crackers..." Oy.

WORDS OF WISDOM: "College is for ugly girls who can't get modeling contracts."
Kelso, That 70's Show

Ok, so here's what I got for Christmas: MY LAPTOP!!!! YAY!!! SANTA RULES!! Moola!! Yay!! Cuz Mom and Daddy Goddess rule!!
And 16 Chia Pets because while Santa and Mom and Daddy Goddess rules, the offspring suck. So then we had to have the "Chia Pet discussion".
and the offspring sit on the couch, silent and oh so remorseful looking...until NEXT YEAR WHEN THEY DO IT AGAIN!!

I watched some of Daisy Does America Tuesday night.
She's very pretty and for some reason, she reminds me of Felicia Fox. I think it's her smile.
But I'm a tad confused as to what the show is supposed
to be. I thought she was supposed to be this wildly funny funky chick, who goes around the country doing wildly funny funky things,
but in the ep I watched, she was a contestant
in a beauty pageant and it wasn't the slightest bit wildly funny or funky. Of course, she won, which was pretty silly when
you consider she was competing against 18 year olds. Yeah, that's gonna happen in the real world.
I think she COULD be really funny if
the show had better writers and she let lose a bit. This show is the "brainchild" of Courtney Cox and David Arquette.
I pictured Daisy as being a Jenny McCarthy type, but she's a too reserved.
Watching those kids in the beauty pageant was a bit FREAKY. Four and five year old girls were made up like they
25 years old. Scary. One little girl even had fake teeth so they looked like they were capped.
The second episode I saw Daisy was interviewing a woman who communicated with animals. She talked to termites and
guess what they said? "We didn't know we were harming her house." UGH!!!!
The only slightly funny thing she said during the dog competition was when Daisy turned to one contestant
and said, "Have you seen Lil Bow Wow anywhere?" Of course, he's a rap singer.

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

son of a gun gonna have some fun on the bayou

Well it was fun while it lasted. Between the two of us, Mr. G and I got $200 for Christmas.
His car broke down on the way home from work Christmas Eve, and it cost $245 to fix. Sigh.
And while I am grateful we had the money to begin with, it would have been nice to spend some of it.

I discovered quite by accident that UPN is showing South Park eps every night around 11 p.m. I thought only
Comedy Central ran SP. Maybe I'll get to see some of the old eps I missed. Seems like CC shows the same ones
over and over.

Today I received this heartwarming email that I HAD to share with you:

My name is Mrs.Jennifer Wilson, I am a dying woman who had decided to
donate what I have to you. I am 59 years old and was diagnosed for cancer
about 2 years ago,immediately after the death of my husband, who had left me
everything he worked for.
I have been touched by God to donate from what I have inherited from my
late husband to the you for the good work of God,rather than allow my
relatives to use my husband's hard earned funds
ungodly.I have asked God to forgive me all my sins and i believe he has
because He is a merciful God. I will be going in for an operation,and i pray
that i survive the operation.
I have decided to WILL/donate the sum of $1,500,000(One million five
hundred thousand dollars) to you for the good work of the lord, and to help the
motherless,less privileged and also for the assistance of the widows.
At the moment I cannot take any telephone calls, due to the fact that
my relatives are around me and i have been restricted by my doctor from
taking telephone calls because i deserve all thee rest i can
get.Presently,I have informed my lawyer about my decision in WILLING
this fund to you.
I wish you all the best and may the good Lord bless you abundantly, and
please use the funds well and always extend the good work to others. Kindly
Contact my lawyer through this email address if you are interested,so that he can arrange the
release of the funds ($1,500,000.00) to you.I know I have never met you but I
have been directed to do this by God,and i hope you act sincerely.
NB: I will appreciate your utmost confidentiality in this matter until
the task is accomplished,as I don't want anything that will Jeopardize my last
wish, due to the fact that i do not want relatives or family
members standing in the way of my last wish. Love, Mrs.Jennifer Wilson.
Let us discuss Jennifer's heartwarming, touching letter. First of all, I can only assume she found me through my website.
Based on said website, she wants to give me 1.5 million dollars. Praise be Jebus. Finally someone sees that
The World of Goddess is all about doing the Lord's work. About fucking time.
I mean "Praise the Lord!" with all that money I shall feel like I have been born again!!
Secondly I think it's wonderful that Jennifer is willing to screw over her entire family to give her money
to me, said total stranger. God forbid her relatives should squander the money on unGodly whores and porn. So much better
to give that money to me so I can spend it on Godly whores and porn. (da best kind!!) And maybe I can buy myself
a few hunky cops. Oh, and of course, I'll toss a couple bucks to the less privileged. That way they'll be able
to afford a better class of whores and porn.
Last but certainly not least, I want to extend my heartfelt thanks to Mrs. Jennifer Wilson. Because of her, I will soon be able
to afford to supplement some hard working cop's income by paying him to eat muh pussy. Trust me, I will give him
plenty of overtime opportunities. I'm just that kind hearted.
While he's "busy," I shall think of Jennifer and generous gesture, and lift my voice
in prayer saying, "OH GOD!! OOOOOOH GOD!"

Monday, December 26, 2005

they say its your birthday

Mike doesn’t know this, but the last time I stayed at “the Winnebago that Making Mediocre Porn Built” while he was in Tampa,
I decided to put together a little “This is Your Life” type thing for his birthday. (Yes, Goddess thinks that far in advance.
And yes, Goddess knew in advance that the General was gonna be too lazy to write a column on his birthday.)
So I drove my sweet little Hoveround to his neighbors to see if they would tell me what their favorite memory of Mike was.
It went something like this…
Goddess: “Hi, I’d like to talk to you about your neighbor, Mike South.”
Old White Lady: “WHO?!”
Goddess: “I’d like to talk to you about Mike South.”
Old White Lady: “WHO?!”
Goddess: “Your neighbor, Mike South.”
Old White Lady: “WHO?!”
Goddess: “Mike. Sou--oh, fuck it.”
Old White Lady: “Fuck YOU, too, bitch. Get your g.d. car off my porch!”

Goddess: “Hi, I’d like to talk to you about your neighbor, Mike South.”
Dopehead: “Wanna buy some crack?”
Goddess: “Uh, no. I want to talk to you about your neighbor, Mike South.”
Dopehead: “Does he want to buy some crack?”
Goddess: “Umm, no.”
Dopehead: “Drive your fat ass off my porch, bitch. I got a business to run.”

Extra Chubby dude in g string: (At least I think it was a g string. It had a way of disappearing every time he turned around.) “Is he the loud one?”
Goddess: “Yes!”
Extra Chubby dude in g string: “Is he the opinionated one?”
Goddess: “yes!”
Extra Chubby dude in g string: “Is he that excellent bass fisherman?”
Goddess: “Oh, Lord, no.“ I laughed and laughed. “That’s Mike Iaconelli.”

Neighbor #100: “Wait now lemme think. South, South…did he sing “Games People Play?”
Goddess: “Nope. That Mike’s older brother Joe. Think about it some more. His place is the one where there's a constant parade of chicks in and out."
Neighbor # 100: (after much thought) “Oh! He’s the flamboyant one!’
Goddess: “Oh yeah!”
Neighbor #100: “White?”
Goddess: “You got it, honey!”
Neighbor #100: “Talks funny?”
Goddess: “Bring it on home, sister!“
Neighbor #100: “Sang Billy Jean is Not My Lover?”
I didn’t care at this point. I just wanted some damn memories for the column.
Goddess: “Yes. Yes, that’s Mike South. What‘s your fondest memory of him?”
Neighbor #100: “Well I like his fifth chin, but his second nose and I dance to his Thriller album all the time….”
There ya have it. Sooooo many memories, so little time.

Ok, screw them. I put so many miles on my Hoveround I had to take it in for an oil change.
So let’s talk about what *I’ve* learned from Mike South these 6 (frightening) years that I‘ve known him.
The list of lessons learned is endless--actually it‘s not, thank God.
I’ve learned that the prime of a woman’s life is between the ages of 18 and 22. Before 18 she’s too young, after 22 she’s a washed up hag. If she reaches the ripe old age of 40, she will be carrying so much man hating baggage, she might as well curl up in her afghan, eat bon bons, and plan on having dildo sex for the rest of her life.
I’ve learned (sometimes the hard way) that if you don’t really want to hear the truth about something, don’t ask Mike South his opinion on it.
I’ve learned that every man must have an enemy. Some men seem to attract more than their fair share. And some men seem to go out of their way to get them.
When a woman says “he doesn’t like me,“ it means “disagree politely and build up my self esteem by lying and telling me how much he does like me.“ When a guy says “he doesn’t like me” it means “he doesn’t like me.” Damn. Guys are weird.
I’ve learned that guys don’t lay in bed eating chocolate and reading romance novels all day. Guh. They *are* weird.
I’ve learned that if a movie isn’t gory, bloody and at least one person isn’t disemboweled, it’s not worth watching.
I’ve learned that some of Mike’s favorite things are cream colored ponies and crisp apple strudel, doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles. Ok ok! I ran out of whiskey and had to think with a clear head for a few seconds. Luckily the drugs are kicking in now, so let’s move on.
I’ve learned that you catch more flies with honey than you do vinegar, and you catch more honeys when you master the art of eating pussy.
I've learned that there are women out there who will bring home other women for their men to fuck. 6 years later and I still can't wrap my brain around that one.
I’ve learned that when you have no chicken to make fried chicken, cats will suffice.
I’ve learned that a one night stand usually lasts about two hours, and a really serious “I think I love her” relationship lasts three weeks to one month. Depends on how long it takes for the chicks to start saying what they really think.
I’ve learned that there are one hell of a lot of women on this planet named Heather and Taylor, and most of them have had sex with Mike South.
I’ve learned that no matter how many times you say it, “Confederate Cuties” is a sad, sad name for a video series.
I’ve learned that people will spend endless amounts of time arguing on IM as to whether or not it’s “la DE da,” or “la TE da.”
I’ve learned that it’s easier to learn Chinese math than it is to keep track of all Mike’s relationships.
I’ve learned that there is no problem so big that a week of fishing won’t cure it.
I’ve learned that if you eat all the food in a man’s condo, he will be leery about inviting you back.
I’ve learned that down South they call dilapidated trailers “condo’s.”
I’ve learned that I still hate to discuss politics and I hate to read about it even more.
I’ve learned that an overactive bladder can be a goldmine in the porn industry. No, wait. I learned that from Felicia Fox. Moving on…
I’ve learned that if you take the time to get to know Mike, you’ll never run out of funny things to write about.
I've learned that Mike loves talking about fluoridation.
I’ve learned that for every word Mike South writes, I write about 52.
I’ve learned several different dessert recipes, all involving cats.
I’ve learned that some men throw a sheet over their living room couch, and call it a “porn set.”
I’ve learned that some men consider a new t shirt and fresh jeans a movie “wardrobe.”
I’ve learned one important thing from watching the South Pole Boogie: White men can dance, but they shouldn’t. N.E.V.E.R. E.V.E.R.
I’ve learned that I can’t watch people I know having sex without giggling uncontrollably.
I’ve learned there are 101 smart ass answers to the question, "you're about to have sex with me, what thoughts are going through your mind?" Answers like “where are the exits?!” “what the hell was I thinking?!” “I can’t believe I gave up a lucrative drug selling career for *this*!“ and “cash, in advance, please.”
I’ve learned that freshwater fish are much larger than saltwater fish. Or are saltwater fish much larger than freshwater fish? Damn. Guess I didn’t learn that yet. Oh, well, unless it becomes my Final Jeopardy question, it doesn’t much matter.
I’ve learned that the difference between a gallon of Southern ice tea and a gallon of ice tea we drink in the North is about three cups of sugar.
I’ve learned that the ability to piss people off is not something that just happens, it’s a skill. A FINELY HONED SKILL.
All kidding aside, I’ve also learned that integrity is important and speaking your mind when you disagree is essential, even when you’re the lone voice in the wilderness. I’ve learned that perseverance is key and pimping yourself is a twenty four hour a day job. I’ve learned that you have to grasp life with both hands and enjoy it to the fullest because it comes to an end all too soon. And with that thought in mind, I’m going to lay on the couch and watch tv until I fall into a sugar coma.
Thank you for letting me write this, General. it fell just a cunt hair short of begin an honor.
Happy Birthday, Mikey Pooh. As you would say, “You da best.”

Friday, December 23, 2005

you like the adrenaline rush just a little too much

Goddess' Hott Deputy O'The Week Award goes to: Deputy Jason Villiers of Palm Beach County, Florida. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, what a sweet body he had.

To the guy who IM'ed me and asked me to send out healing waves to his cat, sure I'll do it. But if the vet calls and
says he found the cat baked, you'll know I accidentally sent out micro waves instead. BTW, I have stats that tell me what search strings
bring people to my site, so when yer jerkin' me, I know it. NOT that the cat story wasn't oh so plausible.

God save me from small town police officers with Columbo complexes. Last night a police officer came to my door accusing me of cutting down and stealing a pine tree from the neighbor's yard. Now I ask you, do I seem like the type to do strenous wood chopping exercises? Nay. So I asked the officer on what grounds he was basing his accusations. He said--get this lame piece of 'evidence'--that there were footprints and drag marks through the snow leading from the base of the chopped down tree right to my front door. Oh puhleeze. Just because there are pine needles across the front stoop and into my living room and just because they are the same needles from the freshly cut pine tree sitting in my living room, that is PURELY CIRCUMSTANTIAL!! Nobody saw it and nobody can prove a thing.I maintain we wuz framed.

I got my chocolate Christmas moose!! Yay!! The local grocery store had these beautiful stuffed animals and
one was a chocolate colored moose. (Moose, reindeer, whatevah.) He was $10 though and I didn't want to
pay that much, despite the fact that he was made of that super soft chenille that's so cuddly. But I find that if you
have patience, stealth and the smarts to keep hiding the moose way to the back of the shelf, your persistence will pay off.
Anywho, I got him at a 75% discount.

Well the doggone dog scared the hell out of me Thursday morning. Before he left for work, Mr. G put her on my bed with a bone. Well she was chewing her bone enthusiastically--as usual--and all of a sudden, she started licking and swallowing repeatedly. I KNEW that wasn't a good sign. She jumped off the bed and there was a piece of paper laying in the hallway. She gobbled that down like it was candy. Then she ran into the living room, snagged a cracker paper from the table and ate that. When she couldn't find anything else there, she ran to the laundry room, all the while licking and swallowing repeatedly. My heart was pounding so hard, I felt like I ran a one minute mile--and in my delicate condition that ain't easy. I'm like, "What's wrong? Holly, what's wrong?" and Holly is just frantically licking up everything she can find--hell she even ate a dryer sheet before I could grab it up. She licked up cat litter, little pieces of wood from my damn wall trim that she gnawed off and any bits of paper she could find. I tried to get water down her throat and while she swallowed it, she wouldn't drink on her own and she wouldn't eat food when I put it in front of her. I didn't know what to do so I put her outside and I saw she had some dry leaves in her mouth and was eating them. I thought she had something stuck in her throat, but it must have been far enough down that I couldn't see it because she did let me open her mouth, but there was nothing there. Once she was outside, she threw everything up and then she was fine. PHEW! The only thing I can think of is that she chewed off a tiny piece of bone that she couldn't quite swallow and she was trying to get it up again. She knew was she was doing but damn it I didn't!! I was a freaking basket case.

Oh you slacker teachers. Ya just can't work five days a week, fifty-four weeks a year like the rest of us, can ya?
No, in the middle of winter, just when my life is settling into a beautiful groove, you have to take your "Christmas break" and force me to spend time with my offspring!! What is WRONG with you people?! Why in the world would I want to spend time with the offspring when everything is frozen and snow covered and I can't get out of my driveway?
Here's a little pop quiz question for ya, teachers: what's worse than spending summer in a one bedroom trailer with 15 kids?
And every freaking one of 'em is AFRAID TO GO OUTSIDE FOR FEAR THEY'LL 'GET WET' or
because it's 'TOO COLD.' Of COURSE it's cold. It's pete freaking winter!

I spent the evening wrapping metal detectors and and cartons of generic cigarettes for the boys.
David sent me a box of Christmas cookies--apparently he thinks I'm recipe challenged--and he tied it with
a nice piece of twine. Natch I saved that for Male Offspring #4. And I found a bunch of reduced "What Would Jesus Do" t shirts
for Male Offspring #5, the Jebus freak. I guess they're reduced cuz nobody cares what Jesus would do anymore.
Apparently caring about Jesus' opinion is soooo 2001.
I also found a used Bible for M.O. #5, with
all the good parts about Hell already marked.
Tomorrow night I wrap cartons of generic cigarettes for the girls along with whatever else I buy them at the
convenience store on the way home from work. Fine, so I might be a *tad* behind all of a sudden.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

visons of sugarplums danced in their heads

Today's post comes courtesy of Zal ...thank you very much:

Shopping for Christmas isn't easy...
Case in point: I tried to find Goddess pics of cops wearing nothing but a santa hat and a gun belt.
I found some, but I doubt she wants to see tits on her cops. And that was just the men...

This year, I braved the frigid San Diego weather to shop for the people in my life.
I actually had to wear socks this year, as the temperature had dropped below 70º.

Such hardship. I hope everyone appreciates my sacrifice...

The mall was festive and traditionally decorated, with Santa sitting on his surfboard over the trucked-in beach, Beach Boys carols on the PA system,
and the usual babes in green and red bikinis playing Santa's elves. An extra added bonus was that they were getting all nipply in the wintry mid-60º sunshine.
I don't know about you, but a santa hat on a bikini babe is just about the sexiest thing I've ever seen. If they're holding a beer, they win hands down...

As I browsed though the designer boardshorts, christmas-themed dog bandannas and mistletoe-scented suntan oil,
I was pleased to see all the things that make it an old-fashioned Christmas.

The sushi bar was only using the red roe with the shashimi, the kids all had tinsel on their skateboards, and everyone's Rum and Coke was in a decorated cup.

While I was browsing through traditional Christmas aloha shirts, trying to decide between the Christmas palm tree or the surfin' Santa designs,
I looked over and saw the perfect gift for my girlfriend. Heat-diffusing seat covers for her red convertible.

She's been complaining that her car seats are getting too hot this winter...

I figure that since I also got her a new 6 foot-tall cabinet for all of her sunglasses, with the matching rollerblade rack,
I'm pretty much set now for her gifts.

The thought crossed my mind to get her new sandal trees for her walk-in bikini closet, but I think I'll save that for her birthday...

My sister was easy to shop for this year, she had asked for a belly shirt for the big New Year's party on the beach.
Fortunately, the formal wear store still had a good selection. I even found a dress tank-top for my brother-in-law.

Yup, I totally scored there...

Then it was over to the upscale canvas store, UpYourMasthole, to find new designer sails for my parents catamaran.
They bought an expensive European model last year and the sizes are different from the domestic models, so I hope Mom can get them exchanged if they don't fit.

I was puzzling over what to get my favorite Cousin, until I saw the big discount Jet-ski store. Fortunately, I have a membership there...

A few minutes later, I had custom salt-resistant wheel rims for his quadruple jet-ski trailer, and was done shopping for the day.
The traffic leaving the mall was pretty smooth, once I hit the freeway it only took 2 hours to get the 5 miles home - definitely a light day...

Well, it's about time to mix the family Christmas Mai Tai's and decorate the Palm tree, my Girlfriend already has the Macadamia Nut cookies in the oven,
so I'll just wish everyone the same kind of traditional family Christmas that we're having.

I hope everyone has a wonderful time.

Merry Christmas Dudes.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

in the air theres a feeling of christmas

Zal will be helping me out by writing my post tomorrow so I have time
to write South's post for him on his birthday. And I thank him ever so much from the bottom of my Goddessy heart.
There. It's official, Zal. No backing out now.

6 eps of Christmas South Parks will begin Saturday 10 p.m., so check 'em out.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like a piece of poo wearing a santa hat.

Amber sends this, which I am SOOOOO forwarding to my sister:
As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to
all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards"
over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure,
blessed, and wealthy.
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the
glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every
time I need to seal an envelope.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on
their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I
could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS
or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to
dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I
receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have
363,214 angels looking out for me.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my
prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make
a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who
is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)
I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special email program.
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I
will now return the favor!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the
next 7minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea
will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know
this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my
next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
cousin's beautician.

I read on Yahoo that young girls often mutilate their Barbie dolls. I used to keep her naked all the time,
I wonder if that makes me a closet lesbian?
In the article, they said, "...many girls saw Barbie as an inanimate object rather than a treasured toy."
Um, hello? Only GAY GUYS see Barbie as a treasured toy.

Curse this cheap holiday chocolate!! I picked two strawberry creams and a maple cream at work yesterday.
The really killer thing was that I could SMELL a strong odor of coconut eminating from the box!!

I read the "20 Christmas gifts for her" list on MSN.
Pffft, the word "vibrator" wasn't mentioned once.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

curly haired dolls that coddle and coo

Well I was ready for the overtime hog this time when she called me. Remember I told you about filling in
for her a few weeks ago and she left me a list of shit I had to do? Well she asked me to come in for her on the Monday
after Christmas, and she called back today and said, "Will you do xxxx on Monday?" I said, "No, I'll leave that for you to do on Tuesday when
you come back to work." She said, "But that's when I always do it." I said, "Well, you'll be doing it on Tuesday next week."
Mr. G said, "If she calls you about this again, nicely suggest that perhaps she should come in on Monday
and do it herself if she's worried about it, and you can work on Tuesday for her instead."
Gosh I heart the way my man thinks.

Yesterday when I talked about the song "Live Like You're Dying," Zal said, " I live like there's only 1 beer left in the fridge."

I had the weirdest dream last night. I was at this committee meeting with South and Tim Case. I was a student--and no, I wasn't younger, I was my current age--and I wanted to apply for some sort of transfer closer to the school and they were on the committee to approve it. The one guy said to me, "Where are you living now?"and I told him the name of my city. Immediately South said, "Oh? You live in *****? Then you probably know--" And I interrupted him and said, "DON'T ASK!" Then Tim Case said, "Why do you want to move?" And I told him it would be easier for me to catch the bus at this newer location.
Again, South says, "Do you know--" and I'm like "DON'T ASK!" It's strange though because dreams feel so real and it's like you're sitting there and they're sitting there sounding the way they really sound--yes, South has a goofy accent in my dreams, too. I'm guessing Tim Case was there cuz I felt bad about the comment I made about him not wearing his shirt in the South Pole Boogie Vid, but DAMN IT!! I can't see refusing to get me COP PICS in Vegas!!!!

Lord, the pressures of being an award winning blog writer continue to mount.
Every night between now and next December,
I'll have to pray to God (or offer up (down?) some sort of bloody sacrifice to the debil)
that South doesn't get a literate girlfriend who likes to write.
If he does, I'll lose that "funniest blog" award in a heartbeat.
Luckily for me, those never seem to be the "attibutes" he's looking for.

Speaking of my "funniest blog" award, Bugzzz writes: "Wow....the 23rd year.....that's longer than I've been alive.....hehehe."
Ok ok, maybe I exaggerated a bit there. It's only been 22 years.

In the current issue of Ladie's Home Journal, which I will read when extremely bored,
Dr Phil said this about marriage in which a man might feel threatened by the fact that his wife earns more than he does:
"In a healthy marriage the woman is able to say, 'No, I don't need your money. I don't need your financial support,
I don't need you to prop me up in life, but I do need your love and companionship."
What the hell is he thinking?! We don't NEED the money and we don't NEED the financial support, but we'll
take it just the same while spending all of our money on ourselves, thank you very much!" I don't care how he acts on
tv when he's by himself, when Dr. Phil is with his wife, you can tell he's whipped. And rightly so. He cheated on his first wife.
So the second wife has to keep him under her thumb to make sure he doesn't have time to stray. Don't blame her a'tall.

The "don't you fucking know who you're fucking talking to?!"award goes to Michelle Rodriquez, star of Lost.
After being arrested for alleged drunk driving yet again, she screamed, ""I don't (expletive) belong here! Why don't you just put a gun to my
head and shoot me! You've already taken my freedom! You might as well take my life too!" Not surprisingly, she's had several
traffic violations in the past, including one for driving 90 in a 35 mph zone, a hit and run, another drunken
driving incident and driving with a suspended license. Yes, CLEARLY the cops are to blame for her problems.

Have you heard that song "Live Like You're Dying," where the guy finds out he only has a short time to live?
His friend asked him what he did when he found out and he said he went skydiving.
If I found out I was dying, I think I'd do something exactly like that. I'd go to Pizza Hut and
order an extra large deep dish pizza and eat it ALL myself. Sure it's not like I haven't already done this
many times in the past, but this time I wouldn't worry that the fat and cholesterol might kill me.
Yep, it's almost exactly like skydiving.

Monday, December 19, 2005

my baby dont mess around because he loves me so and this i know for sho

Oh lord, I am flush with excitement. And for once it has nothing to do with being pre-menopausal.
Once again, my Daily Journal has been
chosen as "Funniest Chick Blog"
by This is like the 23rd year in a row! Whoo hooo!
I haven't been this excited since Burger King came out with the
triple Whooper....which happened like three days ago.
I write on so many deep subjects throughout the year, I can't even imagine what the defining moment was for South.
Was it the "Ode to My Old Ovaries" poem that made him feel I deserved this award? My insightful article on removing stubborn chin hairs?
Or possibly the four
part series I wrote on my menstrual cycle, which included pie charts?
That was riveting. Bloody riveting, I say.
Oh, who cares? I'm just thrilled to be the "winner" of something that doesn't have to be burped or diapered or kept in the barn.
I have a few people I'd like to thank. First of all, Mr. South, thank you from the bottom of my heart for not sending me my
bill for your web services this year. (Oh, yeah and for the award thingy, too.)
Secondly, Tim Case, thank you from
the bottom of my heart for not updating often. Ditto, Jimmy D. If you had updated more often, I firmly
believe that either one of you would have walked away with this "Funniest Chick Blog" award. And rightly so.
I also firmly believe that South only picks me because I'm the one who updates every day,
proving that you don't have to have be talented to win awards, just consistent.
I'd also like to thank Mom and Dad for discouraging my writing career, Jebus, and cute cops everywhere.

i'm fed up i'm tired of waitin on you

Ways to know it’s a Police Officer's Christmas

1. You’re making a list, and checking it twice, you’re gonna find out who’s naughty and then arrest them.
2. Your partner keeps dropping hints that he loves Beanie Babies.
3. Holding cells are filled to the max with drunken department store Santas.
4. You’re working while the rest of the world watches their kids open their presents.
5. You get a gift certificate for diapers in departmental secret Santa. Your kid is 22 years old.
6. Even though things are tight, every cop in the house chipped in to get that lady who got robbed some presents to give her kids.
7. At the office Christmas party, everyone sings, "All I want for Christmas is my two percent raise, my two percent raise, oh my two percent raise."
8. Instead of "peace on earth," you wish for "a moment’s peace."
9. You worked crowd-control at the North Pole after belligerent elves stage a work slow down.
10. Silent night. Holy night. All is calm . . . except for the robbery in progress at Main Street and Elm.

Because the holidays have become so commercialized and the only one who ever benefits is the store owner,
I've decided to do things differently this year. I am taking all of the money I normally spend on the offspring and I'm donating
it to a good, trustworthy charity.
When I explained this to the offspring they were, understandably, a tad upset. After all, they have a tendency to be kinda greedy. Must get it from
the paternal side of their varied families. The most oft repeated complaint I heard was,
"YOU are not a charity, Mom! I'm telling *insert the name of their sperm donor here*!"
And in a most understanding tone of voice, I replied, "Whatevah!"

There are times I wonder how some people manage to hang onto their jobs. One of the chicks I work with is
REALLY INCREDIBLY STUBBORN. You don't tell her shit, cuz she knows better and she's done better. Anyway, the boss was upset
with the way she was doing something and she told her about it. After the boss walked away, she turned to me--totally true--and
said, "Tomorrow I'm going to do it exactly the way I've always done it and if she doesn't like it, she can tell me about it again."
Yeah, way to cooperate with the woman who pays you.

I had one bottle of Rolling Rock Saturday night. I'm smart, though. I drank it right in bed cuz I know I can't handle booze anymo.
I conked out after about 30 minutes and had to pee like a beer
drinking race horse during the night. Honestly, I can see why I don't drink any more. Takes too much effort.
Zal, how can you stand it?!

So I finally watched "You've Got Mail." Eh. There was nothing spectacular about it.
Scratch the rest of those shitty movies on that list. Actually there is one old movie
that I'd like to see. I missed it last year and I think I might have missed it again this year.
I'd like to see Christmas in Connecticut.
Sounds like it's right up my alley.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

rockin around the christmas tree

Early this morning I heard the voice mail thingy on my cell phone start beeping. Knowing that only Mr. G and the offspring have my cell phone number, I leaped out of bed--ok, first I bitched about who would be calling me this late at night when everybody is supposed to be home, THEN I gradually fell out of bed and answered the phone. They left this message, OBVIOUSLY a wrong number: "Jumbo, call me at the hotel as soon as you get this message. I don't care what time it is. I need to talk to you." Now I'm guessing from the sound of this dude's voice, that a drug deal could be in the making if Jumbo is on the ball. Question: how desperate for friends do you have to be that you'd let people call you "Jumbo"? I mean unless your last name IS Jumbo, why let people get away with that? The first person that calls me Jumbo will be the last person that calls me Jumbo. I don't give a crap how nicely they say it. And I can honestly tell you that if I was a black rap singer with a posse, they wouldn't be calling me stupid names like "Fat Joe" or "Biggie D" or "Heft T Bags." My rapper name would definitely have the word "luscious" or "delicious" or "lusciously declicious" in it. There would be NO MENTION of my high percentage of body fat.

I didn't get to watch all of last night's new COPS ep, yet another Ho, Ho, Ho's special.
We were flipping back and forth between it and the
NY Giant's game. Mr. G was praying and sweating it out,
hoping the Giants would win. They did.

I received yet another email from a "friend" of mine who thinks I should focus my "talents" on becoming a scriptwriter. We've
had this conversation about 50 times now and while it's always great when someone has taken the time to
plan your life out for you, I say "GET A JOB ALREADY!" Anywho, this time he encloses a HUGE LIST of movies he wants me to watch so we can discuss them at a later date. Yeah that's happening. Hell, I've never even seen the movie "You've Got Mail," a fact that shocked and astounded him no end.

I don't know what I was thinking yesterday, but I AM working New Year's Eve, it's the 30th that I'm off.

Goddess' Hott Cop O'The Week Award goes to: Sgt. Dan Torok
of the Spokane, Washington Police Department. He's a hottie squared.

Damn it! Yet *another* cops calendar and this one looks super duper good.
There is just no way on God's green earth I can justify buying this one, too. Double damn it!!!

I saw Prancer (for the third time this holiday season) Saturday afternoon. I still cry at the end when the litle girl says,
"I wish I could keep you for my own. I'll always remember you, Prancer. I love you."

Apparently God does not want me to work on New Year's Eve. I agreed to work the 23rd for the overtime hog and she said she'd work New Year's Eve for me. Well, when I heard we were supposed to get an ice storm on the 16th, I asked her to work that Friday instead. Now today she called me and asked me to work the 26th and in exchange she'll work New Year's Eve for me. Evidently I'm not supposed to work that day, so I'll stay home. Hmm, maybe this has to do with my sister's death dream predicition that I'd be dead by the end of the month.
THEN overtime hog said, "And I won't ask you to switch any more this year."
I burst out laughing and said, "There aren't any days left to change in '05!"

Saturday, December 17, 2005

he'll judge me by the fact that my face don't fit

Kat thought my beloved Hoveround was a vacuum cleaner!! No, that would be a Hooveround.
A show of hands, how many of you thought the same thing??
Shame on you guys for not knowing that Goddess and vacuum cleaner do not even
go in the same SENTENCE, let alone the same trailer!!!!
My Hoveround is black and has flames painted on the sides of the seat. Oh and
let's not forget the "extra wide load" sticker some smart ass slapped on the back of my seat.

After watching her interview on the Daily Show, I am going to go out on a limb and say that Sarah Jessica Parker
has a huge crush on Jon Stewart. When she wasn't scratching her head frantically from one side to the
next like she had a severe case of cooties--which was bizarre in itelf--she was giggling uncontrollably over everything he said.
Granted, the man is funny, but he's not THAT funny.

Today I received the spam email, "Be the BIGGEST out of all your friends."
Well, if my mu mu size is anything to go by,
I believe I already AM the biggest of all my friends.
Yet another goal effortlessly achieved.

Scientific Dog Test Numero Dos: dogs don't like it when you shove your feet under their body in an effort to keep your toesies warm.
And, as much as I love this mutt, there are times I'd like to be AWAY from her. She's with me all day for the seven days I'm off and then when Mr. G comes home from work, I think, "ok, she'll go with him now." WRONG. She gets a walk with him around the yard, then comes right back to me to gnaw on her bone at my feet or on my bed. Last night I wanted to work on my laptop on the bed, so I closed the bedroom door.
I'm afraid she's going to come flying in and run into my powercords/phone line.
She LAID outside the door ever so quietly whining under her breath for about ten minutes even
though Mr. G was right down the hall watching tv in the living room. I finally opened the door--I HATE that quiet whining--and
she came in and quite contentedly munched her bone for over an nour. Sigh. I said, "What in the world did she do
those three days I worked double shifts?" He said, "Mostly she laid on her pillow."
I was sorry to read that John Spencer died.
I used to love watching him on L.A. Law

I watched some of Cpl. Joseph Pokorney's funeral today. He was the PA state trooper who was killed in the line of duty on Monday in Pittsburgh. His body was discovered by a police officer in a snowbank on the Parkway West. There were hundreds (probably well over a thousand) of officers at the funeral, some from as far away as California.
What an amazing brotherhood these men share.

So earlier today I conducted a little scientific study of my own. I called Holly and when she came
to me an hour later, I fussed over her and told her what a good girl she was in that gushy puppy talk voice they all love.
Then in that same voice I told her that baked beans gave me gas, especially Bush's baked beans. I'm sad
to report that she was every bit as excited about the compliments as she was the gas. So, in conclusion, it's the
tone of voice she's responding to and not the words themsevles. Oddly enough, the one word she does
NOT respond to no matter how nice I make it sound is: CAT. Thus concludes my scientific study, in which
I squandered ten minutes of my life
I'll never get back so that I wouldn't have to clean the laundry room.

Friday, December 16, 2005

let it snow let it snow let it snow

Bugzzz writes: "RE: Sniffing chocolate....
I don't eat chocolate that much, but when I do eat it...I want to know what
the heck I'm eating....Buy a box of Whitmans.....they have "seating charts". "
WHAAA??!! You "don't eat chocolate that much"??? You think ya know somebody and then
ya just find out they're a strange rarely eating chocolate nutjob!!
You're forgiven.....

Proving once again that scientists aren't nearly as busy and scientific as they claim to be, a group of them figured out why the Mona Lisa smiles.
Or to be more precise, how *much* of her smile is really due to happiness. 83% is due to happiness,
the rest is due to the burrito she ate right before the sitting. Hard to believe scientists can't find a cure for the bird flu, isn't it?

The romance novel was ok, except the guys kept yelling "Boo yeah" every five seconds. Do black people really say that? For that matter, does anyone outside of 1999 say that?

Lisa posted the following in my LJ and it was just too funny not to repost here.
It concerned my comments about calling a trailer court, an "outdoor resort,":

"Florida is the home of the trailer park. They have many names for
them here. We have "Retirement Villages", "Manufactured Home Communities",
"Mobile Home Parks" (they can't bring themselves to call them Trailer
Parks) and my personal favorite "Manufactured Mobile Home Luxury
Retirement Communities". The majority of our trailer parks have a
wide variety of activities available to their residents. They are mostly
geared towards retirees who can't afford a condo on the water. In
place of the hog roasting pit or fire barrel they provide "grilling and
picnicing areas", in place of the horse shoe pits they provide
"shuffle board courts", in place of the fishin' hole they provide "swimming
pools" and in place of the local watering hole they provide "community
centers" complete with a full liquor bar and all the bingo you can play. And
believe it or not they even have paved roads! Now don't get me wrong,
we do have some of the more traditional trailer parks here in Florida.
One in particular is called Sun Coast and local residents loving refer to
it as Scum Coast. Now this is reminiscent of the more traditional
trailer park. It has all the required features that a true trailer park
connoissuer has come to expect and even relish. Sun Coast comes fully
equipped with the off named convient store. Instead of 7-11 it's
called Lucky 7. It comes equipped with mongrel dogs, bon fire pits,
stategically placed used and rusted appliances adorn the front decks, rusted out
autos on concrete blocks lovingly decorate the lawns and many of the homes
contain residents who are not only married but blood relations. On
any given day you can drive through the park at a safe speed of around
120 mph and hear the sweet strumming of the soundtrack from Deliverance
(Dueling Banjos) and of course at every corner should you have an
illness medication (both home grown and manufactured) is available at
discount prices. They have neighborhood hostesses on many corners who for $10
will arrange you a date and ensure you have a good time during your visit.
Ah, the good old fashioned trailer park. You've just got to love it."

Hmmm, for some odd reason I have a hanker' for a hog samwich come lunchtime...
I'm jealous. We don't have any of those things in our court except for the home based pharmaceutical companies and the 'ho's(tesses).
Oh and the rusted out appliances
on the front lawn cuz they come standard with all trailers now. My friend Myrtle bought a trailer last month and got two used
refrigerators AND a burned out stove absolutely FREE with her purchase. Damn. Talk about lucky.
I am this moment drafting an amendment to our Mobile Home(?)Owners Association Handbook to change the
name of our beloved Slim Pickens Trailer Court to the Slim Pickens Manufacutured Mobile Homes Luxury Outdoor Resort.

Right now I must phone with the Hoveround people.
They still haven't made arrangements to pick up my chair and repair it. I'm so upset, right now I'm just sitting in it and weeping softly as I type.
And trust me when I say tears really fuck up a laptop keyboard.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

he knows if you've been bad or good so be good for goodness' sake

AHA! FINALLY a kindred spirit when it comes to chocolate sniffing! I knew I had at least one out there.
Mim writes: "I sniff and when I by chance mis sniff if I take a bite and it is not what I want ... Like the aforementioned Maple cream ... I scream EWWWWWWW make gakking noises demand a stiff drink to cleanse the palate and then take another chocolate. Only this time I squeeze the chocolate bit so the filling oozes out. As long as it is the caramel or the fudge filling I am ok. Any sign of fruity/nasty fillings and I am back to gakking and demanding a new box of chocolates to choose from."
I notice that the caramels usually come in squares, so I reach for the squares first. But sometimes
they try to trick ya, so like Mim says ya gotta do the squeezing thing a bit cuz most caramels are hard as a rock.
BTW, I wasn't ignoring your email. I found it in my junk mail folder this afternoon!

There is one SLIGHT drawback having Mr. G home during the day with me. At 10 a.m.,
he started with this, "Ya know now would be a good time to get our walk over with." Are you KIDDING ME?!
The heat is finally cozying up the place, I was naked in bed with a good romance novel and had no intention of walking ANYWHERE.
So now, two hours later, I'm naked in bed AGAIN, this time with a romance novel, a mug of
steaming french vanilla hot chocolate and a freezing cold nose.
The dog and I are both in danger
of passing out from exhaustion. The only good thing is that I can relax the rest of the day.

Well Mr.G is in a fine mood this morning. We're having yet another freakingly cold day--I think it's like 13 outside right now and 48 inside.
Mr. G was outside feeding the birds and then I heard him come into the kitchen so I yelled, "HEAT!" as in "turn on the..."
He came running up the stairs and put his hand under the covers and grabbed my nekkid boobs with his ice cold hands. I'm like, "What are you doing THAT for?!" after the shrieking stopped, of course. He said, "Well you yelled, 'TEAT'." Grrrrrr. "I said "HEAT!" and you know it!!"

Special thanks to Di for giving me a bunch of way cool new
smilies to use with my Hott Cop Award....which you could see if this was a REAL SITE!! Thanks!!

Here it 'tis almost 2006 and last night I was reading a romance novel with an African American
couple on the front. I think I can count on one hand the number of romance covers I've seen with people who were not Caucasians.
And I don't EVER recall seeing a person of Asian descent on a cover.

I have some VERY EXCITING NEWS, KIDS!! This year The World of Goddess
will be *cough*represented*cough* by Tim Case at the AVN Las Vegas show thingy.
(It would probably help if I knew the show title, huh? Screw it. That's Tim's job as site rep.)
I informed Mr. TimCase that if he was walking around with a TWOG ID on, he'd better live down to my reputation.
I told him I expect three things of him:
1. Since "we've" --ok ME--always been a "fan" of TimCase, I expect a pic of him wearing the TWOG badge for my site.
2. I expect him to photograph other GUYS wearing the TWOG badge for my site.
If you see Tim at the show, tell him you want to be photo'ed wearing the TWOG badge and I'll slap
your pic on my site. I'll blur your face if ya want, or zap your zits or hell, I'll even give ya abs of steel.
Whatever floats your boat.
3. I told him that I have worked very hard to cultivate a white trash, trailer court mentality on my site and
if Tim does anything to rise above that, I'll kick his ass.
Luckily, Tim has shown absolutely no evidence whatsoever in the past that he might suddenly get some class.

OMG. I was over on Napster adding another rendition of Sleigh Ride to my ever growing Sleigh Ride CD
(I have about 8 versions so far) and
I remembered a song we used to listen to ALL the
time as kids: The Bell That Couldn't Jingle by Herb Alpert!!
Snagged it!

I watched a couple more Christmas movies in which someone--usually a woman--gets a chance to go back and right a
wrong in her past--usually giving up the man of her dreams for her career.
Ya know just once I'd like to see someone make the same stupid mistake twice, so the angel can go, "Ha ha."

I did a pccillin virus scan of my desktop yesterday and no freaking lie, it took over THREE HOURS to finish on dial up.

I started late yesterday--Holly and I didn't even crawl out of bed until 10ish--but I managed to finish everything on
my "to do" list by 7 p.m. I work much better in the late afternoon/evening than I do in the day. Most days I find it hard to get motivated before 2ish.
Now when I'm at work, I"m the exact opposite. I work my ass off as soon as I get in there, so I can finish up as quickly as possible. Mr. G asked me once
why I wasn't like that at home and I said, "Because you're not paying me."

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

long lay the world in sin and error pining

Ok now that the holiday season is rapidly approaching, I have a "manners" question for all five of my loyal skimmers. If you're offered a piece of chocolate
from one of those lameass unmarked assortment boxes, isn't it perfectly acceptable to put the candy to your nose and sniff it before accepting it?
I mean, if you don't, you run the risk of getting stuck with one of those icky jellied candies or those strawberry cream candies. UGH. I hate those. Worse yet: MAPLE CREAM. Can I get a collective "EWWWW!!"?

#78 of 100 Things NOT To Say To A Cop: "Hey! I have a gun just like that!"

Received a nice email from Mimi, in which she told me about a friend who lived in a trailer court, but she said they referred to it as an "outdoor resort."
That's kinda like using the words "Kia" and "Cadillac" interchangeably. I guess they called it an outdoor resort
cuz when you're living in a trailer ya might as well be living outdoors. But it does have kind of a classy ring to it, doesn't it?

I think we all know how much I make fun of Celine Dion, but even I must admit, she does an absolutely beautiful
version of "O Holy Night."

Oy to the World. I didn't think it was possible to mangle such a
wonderful song as Sleigh Ride, but TLC certainly managed.

Another fine Christmas tradition down the pooper. My mother just informed me that my aunt, her oldest sister, is moving to Minnesota to live with her son. We used to go to my aunt's every year for dinner and gifts the Sunday before Christmas. She was what's known as the family's re-gifter squared. Sometimes she'd give you things like purses that still had stuff in 'em. But she would never admit the item was used. When you asked her about it, she'd say, "Oh, no. That's not a used purse. I put that in there for you." One year she put a half eaten roll of Certs and a key to her storage shed for me in my gift.
She had a big piii-ano and she would play/sing Christmas music. The only thing was that everything came out sounding like opera. Didn't matter what the song or tempo. She'd slow it down and sadden it up until you thought you were listening to Mariah Carey on downers. One year we snuck Jingle Bell Rock into her stack of sheet music. OMG. We were howling. You haven't lived until you've heard "Jingle Bell Rock" sung in a soprano opera voice.

Ooooooooooooo. Big goings on in da 'court last night when one neighbor threatened to shoot a hole in the other neighbor's santa decoration. And NO, for once I was neither "neighbor." I have more sense than to shoot a bb hole in a decoration. What you want to do is cut a big square out of the fabric in a couple different places. Not a small bullet hole that can easily be patched. Anywho, this decoration IS a P.I.T.A. It's a big talking Santa, and over and over it says, "Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas." Then it breaks into a (semi) rousing rendition of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." I admit the first time
I heard it I thought it was cute. The 683rd time I heard it....not so cute.

Dang. I wish I would have had my camera with me a few minutes ago. I let Holly outside to do her
bidness and when I went back out to call her in, I couldn't see her anywhere. All of a sudden her head
popped up from behind a snowbank and her snout was all white with snow. I've never had a dog who
loved the snow as much as she does.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

santa wont you please bring my baby to me

Goddess' Current Mood: FRIGID!!!!!!

When I woke up this morning at 7, it was 44 farking degrees INSIDE. UGH!!!!

Here's yet another thing cable could complain about in their anti-DISH commercials. When we were having problems with our DISH the other night,
I called and the dude said we could "troubleshoot for $5.99 a month." EXCUSE ME?! When I had a problem with cable, I called
and it was usually fixed the same day. They didn't fucking charge me to "troubleshoot." That's the problem with "buying" DISH. Suddenly
it becomes YOUR problem. I just wish cable wasn't so much higher in cost than DISH.

I watched a really cute Christmas movie starring Ally Walker, who I used to love in Profiler. Hayden Paneiette was
Ally's inner child who suddenly surfaced and refused to suffer through another miserable, joyless Christmas. It was pretty good.
Even at a much younger age--she looks to be about 9 in this movie--Hayden has demonstrated an amazing acting ability. You just know she's
one of these kids that are going to be actors all their lives like Melissa Gilbert.

Took the mutt for a nice two mile walk in the snow last night. This is our third trip this week. Since the vet said she
was 8 pounds overweight, we decided to double her exercise or even go five nights a week if possible,
because as Mr.G says, "We'll work the fat off of her." Sigh. Too bad it doesn't have the same effect on me.
Oh yeah, we're really making the dog suffer walking two miles in 15° weather.
She was loving every minute of it.
But it was quite comical when she jumped
up on the bed at 8 p.m. last night before Mr. G even had a chance to ask her if she wanted to go to bed.
We must have been walking a total of a mile and a half on the trail thinking
it was two miles, but this is a true two miles cuz I checked it with the car. We're going around the neighborhood
instead of the trail now and the clickity clacking of Holly's nails on the macadam is music to my ears cuz it's grinding her nails down naturally.
I also noticed that she is sleeping more soundly the last couple nights--AS AM I!!--so this has been beneficial all around.

A lot of things about the Stephen Colbert show get to me--mainly the fact that it's all Stephen, all the time--but one thing I love is his style of interviewing. He was interviewing Congressman Jim Moran, who he described as the "poor man's Ted Kennedy," and he said, "You've gone through some money, you've gone through some've been called the "Mike Tyson of the House," which ear would you like to bite off?"

I was wide awake this morning at 6:30 after having this horrible dream that I went outside to find Holly on the ground. She had eaten some berries and was having an allergic reaction to them and her throat was all swelling around her collar but she was just laying there staring at me, unable to move. I started screaming for Mr. G and I came running inside screaming for him to load her into the car. That woke me up and I was wide awake after that. Brrrrr. Gives me the creeps just thinking about the way she was lying there staring helplessly.

All is well in my little trailer in the woods. I'm curled up on the bed working on my novel, the dog is laying at/on my feet, and there's a cat on either side of my ass purring away. The offspring are....hey! Where the hell are the offspring?! Maybe they're still at that place they go to do book things so they can get good jobs when they get out. I think it's called the penitentary. No, wait, it's school! That's it. School.

Monday, December 12, 2005

i know that you're still hesitating

It occurs to me that if eye doctors ever use the same word verification thingy that Blogger uses instead of eye charts, I'm screwed.
If you've never seen them, they have like five or six letters almost on top of each other and in a goofy font.
My eyes play tricks on me and sometimes I have to re-type those things two and three times.

I like Madonna's Hung Up vid where she's in the dance club and the guys are grinding all over her. Now THAT'S how to make a video.
I'm not, however, wild about that pink flashdance leotard she wears in the dance studio. Too 80's.

Alex and I were discussing piercings. I like it when guys have that stud below the lower lip. I think it's kinda sexy. I don't like lip rings cuz
I'm always thinking about all the things they could get caught on, so it's distracting. If I was younger,
I'd get my eyebrow pierced, but don't tell any of my offspring I said that, ESPECIALLY Female Offspring #1.
The one piercing I can't stand on a guy? Probably the most common one--both ears. I hate it when a guy
has short hair and is wearing hoops. Even small hoops. Ugh.
Just seems too feminine to me. Even a stud in each ear is a turn off.
I like a small stud in the left earlobe. Period. And I *really* hate it when a guy wears a dangly earring.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

our cheeks are nice and rosy and comfy cozy are we

Jayme writes: "Goddess reading your old journals--define "shake it like a Polaroid picture."
Damn it, Jayme, what are you? Five years old that you don't know the answer to this!
When the old Polaroid instant cameras expelled the pic, you had to wait for it to dry.
Many people--moi included--would shake it to dry. Hence the phrase from "Hey Ya," 'shake it like a Polariod picture.'
Now go shake your ass like a Polaroid picture, Jayme.

Goddess' Hott Cop O'The Week Award goes to: Officer Chad Mills from the Fort Worth, Texas PD. *insert "are you a parking ticket, cuz you have fine, fine, fine written all over you* here...if this wasn't farking Blogger*
BTW, those Hott Cop magnets are just FLYING out of here. So make sure you email me to get yours.

WARNING!!! Do not listen to the following if you're hungry for a Whooper. Damn near did me in.
Here's a little Burger King Christmas Carol sung to the tune of Carol of the Bells someone posted on the COPS forum.

I can't believe there's this big debate about people saying "Happy Holidays" as opposed to "Merry Christmas."
ONLY in this country could people get all worked up about such a trivial thing.
I always say "Happy Holidays" because I'm including both Christmas and New Year's.
But I certainly am not going to get bent out of shape if someone says "Merry Christmas."

Pope Benedict is bitching that "rampant commercialism" is ruining Christmas. That's rich considering I've gotten about
15 offers from the Church to buy Masses and Mass cards and rosaries for my loved ones for Christmas this past week alone.
Only the Church would SELL Masses, then gripe that *others* are commercializing holidays.

I stopped at the grocery store on the way home from work Friday morning because I knew it would be the perfect time to shop, as I stated the other day.
I was chatting with the (bored) cashier about my offspring. The lady behind me said, "You have 16 offspring?! How do you tell them apart?!"
What kind of question is that? I said, "Lady, they're children. They're not cattle. They're minature people with their own distinct personality".
FYI if you're a cow person, don't bother to email me and tell me how cattle have their own distinct personality.
I said, "Of course I can tell them apart. Only an idiot wouldn't know their own kids.
For instance, little whatshisface LOVES bugs, but the skinny one is terrified of them."
I hope she doesn't reproduce. I pity her kids.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

i just want you for my own more than you can ever know

Well, pfffft. This morning I got online and as per usual, hit the "load in tabs" button on my blog favorites and loaded 'em all up in
great anticipation of reading everybody's bidness. Only to discover that ALEX was the ONLY ONE who had updated. Sigh. Bunch o' slackers.

I am really worried about Holly. The more I hear about animals and people dying
from this turd flu, the more upset I get. She eats turds all the time. What if she contracts the virus and --oh wait.
In the paper it says "bird flu." Never mind.

Ok it's pissing me majorly that Blogger won't let me adjust the date on my posts any more!!!

There was a Christmas movie on Lifetime last night that I was really looking forward to watching. So, of course,
DISH decided to pick yesterday to get pissy and the damn signal was out ALL DAY. I HATE DISH. If cable ad execs had
any smarts about them, they'd interview former Dish customers about what they hated with
their service, and show them instead of making stupid commercials about how unattractive the dish is on your roof.
I'm not up there to see it...what the fark do I care how it looks?!
And I'm betting $ this signal interruption complaint would come up the most often.

One of my co-workers gave me a gift. Damn it. And it's a nice gift, one that I really like and would have bought for myself. Now I know what you're thinking. "Goddess, why don't you switch back to cable?" Can't afferd it. Ok, the "other thing" you were thinking. "Goddess, only YOU would find a problem with getting a nice gift." Yes, you're right I would. ESPECIALLY since we already said we were NOT exchanging gifts. And here's the extra shitty thing about it--it was a really nice Avon Christmas wall hanging that was reduced to $2.99 in their catalog. I know because I was considering ordering it for myself, then I changed my mind. I figured that was $2.99 I could spend on candy instead. But the point is, I'm not going to find an equally nice gift for $2.99 at this late date. Nay, I'm going to have to spend MORE on a gift I never planned on buying in the first place!!!!

I know exactly how I'm going to die. Well, not really since it will NEVER happen, but if it does, I will DIE if my mother EVER takes my answer as a final answer instead of fucking trying to push her opinions on me. The other day she called me about a medal she had for me. No I didn't take the gold in the "bestest daughter in the whole wide world" category. She found some religious medals and wanted me to come get one and wear it. I called her and said I wasn't interested because I never wear necklaces. She said, "But this is a medal." I said, "Is it not on a chain to wear around my neck? Cuz then it's a necklace and I don't wear necklaces." She said, "Well you SHOULD wear a medal." Sigh. I had a LOT of comebacks but quite frankly I just wanted to get off the phone. THEN she tries a tack she uses ALL the time. "Well your sister never wears medals either but she took one and she likes it." Well of course she likes it. It wouldn't suit the purpose of the story if she didn't, now would it? I said, "Good for her. I don't like anything around my neck." Unless it's gold and diamonds. She said, "Medals are for protection." And I SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO wanted to say, "Isn't that a superstitious way of thinking?" but again, JUST wanted to get the fark off the phone. Now I'm guessing that when Mr. G stops to pick up a clock she has for him, the medals are going to be in the bag with the clock. And I'm also guessing they're going to go right into my bag for St. Vincent de Paul's.

My O.T. is over and I've made it safely home! YAY. We got about 6 or 7 inches of snow last night, not at ALL what the weather fuckcasters were predicting. Thanks to everybody who chatted with me on IM and put up with my on again/off again connection. You made the time fly by. Here is my gift to you. Enjoy!

Ok I'm pissed. You know how I pride myself on tackling hard hitting subjects, so this will be no different. This morning on my way home from work I stopped at the grocery store. Since we had a storm last night, I figured it would be a great time to do some shopping. I was right. The place was deserted. On the way out, I saw what I THOUGHT were a basket of chocolate covered pretzels. But NAY. When I got them home, I realized they were chocolate FLAVORED covered pretzels. I haven't been this upset since I discovered cheese food slices. Chocolate FLAVORED? That is such crap--in more ways than one.

Friday, December 09, 2005

i'm just a girl lucky me

Thank God LJ is on the ball. I'm receiving email notifications of comments that were made in
NOVEMBER. They're almost as reliable as Verizon. I emailed them on November 26th and they promised
to respond within one business day. I received their email yesterday.

Ok working another shift tonight after working another shift last night and Tuesday night. 40 HOURS OF OVERTIME RULES!!

The other night Jon Stewart said Bush wrote "The Complete Idiots Guide to Redundancy for Dummies," but after seeing
MSNBC and FOX's news coverage of the passenger who was killed by an air marsall, I think those two networks co-authored the book.

Female Offspring #1 sent me this story about a Belgian Shepard who died saving
her owner's lives in a fire, along with the scathing comment that we should have gotten a Belgian Shepard.
Not to be outdone by a friggin' B.S., I sent her this riveting news story:
"Yesterday while watching Seinfeld with her owners, Mr and Mrs Goddess,
their black Lab Holly heard George Costanza squeak a dog toy. Holly immediately went to
her toy box and extracted one of her squeaky toys.
"We were absolutely amazed and stunned by her brilliance," said Mrs. Goddess.
"We knew she was bright," said Mr. Goddess. "but we had no idea how
bright. She actually knew the difference between a squeaky toy and a
bone. When we first got her she was so intellectually challenged that she ate her own poop. Now
after just 14 months, she recognizes a squeaky toy when she hears one and she only eats the cat's poop."
Added Mr. Goddess, "She's much more intelligent than our feline, Stupid
Cat. Her greatest accomplishment was licking the electrical outlet without
killing herself."

Last night when I was reading my latest copy of "Minature Donkey Talk," which is more fun than a bucketful of babies, btw,
Male Offspring #7 called me and asked me what I would think
if he bought me a cape for Christmas.
(Note the tentativeness and fear I instill in my offspring. They know enough to get surprise gifts pre-approved.)
I'm like, "Unless that cape has a big yellow "S" on it and unless my alter ego is Clark Kent, and unless I'm able to leap tall buildings in a single bound,
I'd say it's an incredibly BAD idea." Now I know ponchos and capes are all the rage in certain
parts of the country and in Transylvania, but no fucking way am I going to be caught dead in one unless I
can't find a winter coat big enough to fit me. Even then, I'd consider sewing two coats together before I'd wear a cape.

So on St Nick eve, I put a pair of pantyhose on my fireplace, hoping that the bearded holy man would bring me tons of wonderful stuff.
This has been a tradition in our family since somebody figured out they could get even MORE toys if they make
St. Nick Day separate from Christmas. So my guess would be roughly two generations. Alas, the big twit filled one leg
with grapefruit and one leg with fresh oranges. Damn it.
GODDESS DOESN'T DO FRUIT....unless it's floating in two shots of whiskey.

Well I will certainly sleep better tonight knowing that scientists have wasted huge amounts of time
and money to deduce that Beethovan died of lead poisoining. And where did the large doses of lead come
from, you ask? (Fuck you for not asking!) From his nightly paint sammiches? NO! Damn it.
From his wine goblet. Proving once again that DRINKING KILLS!!!

Thursday, December 08, 2005

bad boys bad boys

"Real Americans fail geography." Stephen Colbert

Lo it was on this day 24 years ago, that Goddess gave birth to a babe and wrapped her in swaddling footed p.j.'s.
Viva la labor pains!
Happy Birthday to Female Offspring #1.
(Yes, your mother is still alive, btw.)

If you're like me and you HATE it when you can't reach a real person when calling customer service, check out this site.
And when you're there, check out all the steps you have to go through when you call Dell Service.
You just know they're hoping you give up long before you get through those steps.

I heart the new Pampers Christmas ad. The commercial shows babies sleeping while Silent Night plays in the background. Simple but effective.
I love the way the baby's little mouths move when they sleep
like they're sucking on a bottle.

South Park well and truly sucks. Wednesday night's ep was about a statue of the Virgin Mary that bled...out it's ass.
It wasn't funny so much as it was....lemme see, what are the words I'm looking for? Oh yeah, totally crass.
And the other storyline was Stan's dad refusing to get help for his drinking problem after someone told him
alcoholism was a disease. The writing is not nearly as clever as it used to be. It's become preachy
via the kids, and it's OBVIOUS preaching. Nothing clever in that.

Sadamn refused to return to the courtroom the other day, citing among other reasons the fact that
he had been forced to wear the same clothes for days. Da horror! Da horror! Isn't that always the way? Deposed dictators are such pussies.
But I have to ask, ISN"T HE A FUCKING PRISONER?! Since WHEN do they get a say in whether or not they're going to attend court proceedings?
DRAG HIS SORRY ASS TO COURT. Sad fact is they're still treating him like he's in charge.

I have a lot of my Christmas shopping already completed. I bought money for several of the
mercenary offspring. I bought Male Offspring #4 some glass display cases, so he could start his
own mini twine museum. He'll put it right next to his "shrine to twine."

No wonder kids today have such unrealistic expectations. There was a chick on
tv who shelled out $200K for
her daughter's bat mitzvah. That is INSANE. That would have paid for a college
education. Instead it was spent on a fucking party.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

and when those blue snowflakes start falling

WORDS OF WISDOM: "Why must we honor people so lazy they spread
their achievements over a lifetime?" Stephen Colbert

I worked Tuesday for 9 hours, came home to take Holly to the vets and the girl who was working
evening shift called and said she wanted to go home. She's been experiencing health problems. So I came
back at 7:30 p.m. and will work until 5:30 tonight. Yay for O.T.!!

Bugzz writes: "Speaking of VH1, what's up with all of these countdown shows? For example, I really like the "I love the (insert decade of choice here)". But now I think it may have gone overboard. E! has the "101 Most (insert amazing, silliest, sexiest, embarassing etc moment) of the (insert person or event here)". The Style network has something called "I can't believe I wore that" whatever the hell that is. Bravo has the "Greatest Things We Love About (insert item here)". Although, I did enjoy the recent list of the greatest things we love about the Holidays.....if I hadn't watched part of it, I might have never known about the Hanukkah Bush (so sorry to our Jewish friends if I spelled that wrong).
Okay Miss Goddess....give us your thoughts. "
IMHO, they are ALL absolute crap. UNLESS you're stuck at work on a Sunday
afternoon with nothing to watch. Then they're pure gold.
I liked the Decades shows, too, cuz they remind me of a lot of things I'd forgotten about. But you're right. Between E! and VH1 they've
pretty much gone overboard. The one that really cheesed me off was the However Many Most Shocking Moments on TV and they didn't even
show the damn clips! They just talked about them. I have been waiting and waiting to see the infamous Sinead O'Connor /pope picture fiasco, but now I read
that NBC has forbidden it to be shown on tv ever again. Sigh.

I've decided to do some charity work this year for Christmas. You know how they have those "coats for the underprivileged" drives? Well, I'm going to start a "Coats for the Privileged" drive because honestly nobody does anything for the rich. I'll get people--probably poor people because they have more money than ya think--to donate furs, like sables and minks. I think it's a fabu idea. So if you have any furs lying around that you're not using, think of the wealthy this holiday season and share some of your good fortune.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

tell that landlord man i'll kick that bastard like a can

Girl at auction: "I'm a lesbian."
Karen Walker: "Oh, honey, we're all lesbians when the right man isn't around."
(Will & Grace)

THEY HAVE ARRIVED!!! Yes, my HOTT COP magnetic buttons have arrived.
And they look pretty damn nice if ya axe me.
So if you've won my Hott Cop O'The Week award, send me your PD addy and
I'll be glad to send you a magnet. OR if you know a hott cop and you want to give him
a button email me your addy--but you have to PROMISE to give it to him. No slapping it on your fridge to hold up
the kid's artwork.

Ok, I'd like some computer geenus to explain this to me. I have a firewall with my McAfee virus protection
thingy, yet everytime I go to Yahoo mail and Hotmail, it tells me that I am about to go to an unsecure
page where any information can be easily read after I log in. This is on Firefox. Isn't that the point of having a firewall?
And YES before anyone even asks, it's RUNNING.

We take Holly to the vet's tonight for her 3 year rabies shot and her distemper shot. While I'm there I'm going
inquire about a personality transplant. Hey, if they can do the whole face thing, they can get me the
temperment of a CALM Lab.
Plus she has to get her nails clipped. OY. VEY. I'm not looking forward to THAT.
If they can't do them, I'll ask them to give me a couple tranquilizers--one for her, one for me--and I'll cut them
at home. She's so touchy about them that even when I cut Mr. G's nails--since he has diabetes he doesn't
like to cut his own--Holly will try to get between me and him and rest her chin on his foot over his nails so I can't cut them.

Damn. I had very low signal strength yesterday morning at work on the wi fi and
it STILL took me only 28 SECONDS to dl Firefox to the laptop. I tried to dl it at home the other day on dial up and it was up to 45 minutes.
I didn't know if I was going to bother putting it on
my laptop, but since I've already gotten a freaking trojan courtesy of IE, I changed my mind.

Well the Hoveround people called and they PROMISED me a serviceman would be
at my door bright and early Friday morning. Yeah, I'm sure he will be since I don't have to be up early Friday.

Kat tells me the cartoon I was describing is an episode of "Courage the Cowardly Dog" entitled "The Snowman Cometh."

I love to watch the celeb shows on VH1 cuz there's always a bunch of gay guys talking
about how hot the actress chicks are. Yes, you always want to ask a person who wouldn't sleep with her if
the woman was the hottest chick on the planet to give you their opinion on her attractiveness or lack thereof.

I called the Hoveround people last night when I got home from work. I've had it with them. They promised to send a
repair dude to my trailer a couple WEEKS ago. Yes, that's right. I've been walking for a couple weeks now.
There's just no reason for that bullshit. If God had wanted us to walk, He would have given us knees that get stronger with age,
instead of the other way around.

Never thought I'd say these words, but DAMN! Cincinnati played a great game Sunday.
They definitely outplayed the Steelers, although both teams played their balls off.

The commercials for Tom Tom, the portable GPS car navigation system, are growing on me. The first time I saw one,
I'm like, "WTH is THAT?!" but now I'm liking them. If you've never seen them, they're basically all the same, they just use different people.
The guy driving says, "Sue Sue, should I make a left here?" "Sue Sue, is this my exit?" "Sue Sue, I think I'm lost." And then the announcer
dude says something along the lines of "if you're lost, don't ask
Sue Sue, ask Tom Tom, the navigational system."
They're just stupid enough to be funny.

Hmm, this can't be a good sign. Tom Arnold is starring in two brand new tv
movies, both premiering this week. What can it mean??

Yay. Eric has worked his way up to my August journal. He's slogging his way through my archives.
At least now when he mentions something, it's vaguely familiar.